Category: Reflection

How do we come to intimately embrace who we are, how we feel, how we treat people, how we react to situations? I wish I could tell you that there is some sort of magic antidote, but alas, that is not the way these things go. But I do have a personal experience that I will share with you that greatly impacted me and has helped me to understand that, in addition to honing in on where you are focusing your attention externally, it is also important to take notice of how you are talking to yourself. This part may even be more important than focusing on your external thoughts as those internal thoughts carry more weight and can have a severe impact on your mental health, let alone your motivation to accomplish your goals.

I recently had a major breakthrough while meeting with my coach. I was sharing with her how I tend to be really critical of myself. I reprimanded myself for not making time to keep up with the ambitious goals that I had set for my blog despite the fact that I simply had a lot of personal things come up that prevented me from being able to dedicate the time. She asked me if I had anything traumatic happen in my childhood, as this harsh self-talk was proving to be a recurring theme. Instantly, I recalled that I had a bully in kindergarten and explained that it was very traumatic because I grew up in the country. So I was devastated by the ridicule and judgment I experienced during my first exposure to society. She then asked me if that was precisely how I was treating myself? Tears instantly welled up in my eyes. Despite my efforts to hold it back, I just could not. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to cry easily and that I am a fairly tough person that holds my emotion back until I am alone. But I was amazed that she was right. I knew it instantly. And I had been doing this to myself for a very long time, despite the fact that I am someone who has focused on my own development and healing a lot over the years. I was stunned that I had never stopped to ask myself why I was so hard on myself.

Since this experience, everything has changed for me. It’s like a weight has been lifted and I no longer feel the need to punish myself for not living up to what are typically extremely high expectations. I am no longer allowing my mental and emotional state to play a factor in how I gauge my individual success, both daily and overall. Of course, this is a work in progress, but I have continued to have a lot of personal things popping up since this experience. I have been amazed at how forgiving of myself I have been, keeping my positive thinking up and opting just to focus on the tasks at hand, reminding myself that I will be able to resume working on my goals, but I must deal with any issues that take priority first.

I am awed at the state of peace and calmness that has come over me since this experience. I feel like I have awoken to a more enlightened state of consciousness. I have even reflected on situations where I would normally react in anger and instead, I have embraced a more positive and forgiving line of thinking. I have also noticed that I have felt entirely more confident. These are changes that are extremely difficult to embrace and implement, yet they seem to be flowing out of me without effort.

I am sharing this with you as I hope that this will either inspire you to share a similar experience so that we can learn from each other and build each other up. If that is not your case, I hope this experience with inspire you to take notice of how you’re treating yourself and a) work to modify any harsh criticism you are telling yourself, and b) make an effort to identify where that negative self-talk is originating from so that you might have a similarly transformative experience.

Since this breakthrough moment, I have been analyzing some past experiences I have had where perhaps I reacted defensively in an effort to learn how this behavior was impacting me and my relationships with others on a deeper level. There is at least a handful of times in the past couple of years where I know that, as a result of feeling personal judgment by another, I lashed out in attack rather than seeking to understand their viewpoint. Of course, I was doing the best I could at the time, but I have had a few people describe me as intimidating, mean, or even scary at times, and I have always questioned where that was coming from. But now I think I know. Any time that I felt as if someone was passing judgment on me as a person, my bullied-child, alter-ego-self emerged ready to pounce and protect. I had inadvertently developed a subtype of my personality that was ready to protect and defend me at all costs after experiencing the bullying situation where I felt so helpless as a young child. I truly believe that the alter-ego-self served an important role in my adolescence while I strived to define who I was and find my way in the world, continuing even into early adulthood. But now that I am a full-fledged adult, that side of myself was coming off as aggressive rather than protective, which is something I would never want to do to another person. Understanding this about myself has been a little hard to acknowledge, but it also feels liberating to finally understand what others were experiencing from their point of view.

I am sharing this intimate revelation with you to show you that we all do the best we can with the knowledge that we have. So if you have ever behaved badly, forgive yourself. But also, seek to understand why; what is going on with you to prompt the reaction or action that you are taking that you do not like. Initially, it will feel like the prompt in external, but I have to be brutally honest and tell you that it is unfortunately ALWAYS INTERNAL. While the problem feels like it is out there, it is definitely in here if you know what I mean. This is a hard concept to embrace, but it is also one of the most eye-opening and liberating revelations once you can see it and own it. It is also a lesson that will likely reoccur in your life as you face various difficulties and challenges.

My hope is that by opening up to you about this experience and the self-examination it inspired me to seek, this might help you cope with or deal with any of the personal challenges you may be facing. My hope is that you will be able to look at that difficulty and ask yourself, Why is this upsetting me? Why am I reacting this way? What has happened to me in my life that is inspiring this reaction that is in contrast with my true self?